Day 6: The Turbulence in Loneliness

A light knock issued from beyond; the sound of knuckle and wood converging at a lonesome pace. I was immediately roused from the shallow depths of my sleep, which was a mere hour, having watched the movie Love Actually with a runtime of 2 hours.

It was my mother on the other side of the door, and I was supposed to accompany her as she was going to drive Ate, our helper, to some place where some taxi cab awaited. My head throbbed and my eyes somewhat stung (although I only cried a couple of tears during the movie, and a few ounces before it *sighs).

I rode shotgun, the seat beside the driver’s, since Mom was driving. As our vehicle crossed the dark, silent streets of Marikina (I cannot begin to say how in love I am with Marikina when it is still engulfed by darkness, literally, of course), Mom was telling me about my little brother’s painful feet and how he couldn’t move them. I basked in the bitter anxiety, worried like hell at the state of his health. And I couldn’t help but be sad at the lonely note in her voice, a musical phonetic of crippling misery.

Somehow, I managed to get halfway through the day by sleeping. My little brother was brought to a hospital and is now confined. Hopefully, the results of those numerous tests would prove to be substantial in his recovery. (I miss you so, little one. Home is so empty when you’re away.)

Around 1 pm, I finally leapt from my bed with the determination of an Indeterminate. I had to at least answer my Physics21 problems. Fortunately, I successfully slashed 2 out of 7 (Hello, Uniform Circular Motion, your damn solutions are next). And then my uncle arrived, made me prepare stuff (e.g. Plates, Spoons, Forks, etc.) and dragged me to Rustan’s. He was telling me about a car accident between a Civic and a Jeepney, and I frowned at the tragedies that hung so disgustingly mighty today.

(Another tragic story perhaps is my not being able to join AOM0910’s Movie Watching. But anyway, they’re having a blast as usual so it’s not a tragedy after all. By the way, they said RPG Metanoia is awesome, so, kababayan, nood na!)

To wrap my day up, I basically reblogged too much on Tumblr and fretted on my emotional turmoil.

Because school breaks are supposed to be consisting of late bathing, I only took a bath around 6pm. A hundred popped bubbles later, I stood in my room, lost and uncertain. No, it wasn’t another epic failure courtesy of my memory storage, it was just me. Again. The exact reason why I’ve embarked on the journey of Soul Searching.

I wondered, am I making any progress?

 

To heighten up the concoction of wretchedness that stirred inside me, I withdrew a card with LONELINESS as the protagonist. But then again, it was a good thing I got just that, because the concoction of wretchedness turned out to be Loneliness itself. Also, I am never fully alone for I have Him with me.

I am every bit of lonely: in affection and appreciation, for my sick brother and my family, for my own self.

Perhaps, this is all because I lack contentment. (Note: I am referring to the factors in which I have influence.)

“Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.

And this links me back to the hero of my Day 1: Blessing.

It’s just so sad to know that 2010 is already nearing its conclusion, yet here I am, riddled with grief and misery. What is this bipolarity, Self? It’s too much to handle. You’re making things way more complicated than they already are.

Relax. Just sweep the living room with one glance, or think about the people who love you, or perhaps, dive into pictures of the past. Or eat Coffee Crumble.

Now, tell me, Self, do you still want more?

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