Perhaps it is ironic that I cannot formulate an introduction to a subject such as New Year. It symbolizes a beginning, a dawn to a year’s worth of chances in righting last year’s (or even all the last years’) wrongs and finally making everything, or some, right. Yet, why can I not find the right words to begin about the beginning?
2010: The Year of What-I-Thought-I-Already-Knew
My Facebook and Twitter were flooded with messages to 2010 itself, messages that spewed thoughts of contentment, of happiness, of gratitude, of love. And I thought to myself, what was it that I was missing? For clearly, my 2009 seemed way better than 2010. In fact, it was perfect. 2010, on the contrary, was one big craving for that something, one that was rarely satisfied.
In the cold arms of 2010, I felt I have regressed more than I have progressed. It was of bipolarity: awesomeness and wretchedness went hand-in-hand. It was of ambivalence, of wanting both and wanting for more. It was of great expectations and terrible disappointments. It was of mad happiness and crippling sadness.
It was mostly what I thought I wasn’t going to face.
Rewinding back to the 31st of December 2009, I was a woman happier than I’ve ever been. Then, I stood mightily, thinking I knew love enough, knew life enough.
2010 proved me wrong.
And the villain of the story? Ingratitude.Every night, I say my prayers to Someone I know is listening to me; every night, I say thanks for every blessing that has come to rest in my whirlwind of a life. But come to think of it, I never meant them.
The Work of Fireworks
Have you ever thought of how it is a waste to buy such expensive fireworks that would only light up a fraction of the night sky? That, like one-night stands, they would be very brief and momentary?Last night, as I was gazing up at rain showers of brilliant fire, I was riding that train of thought. Mom herself mentioned something about “burning money”, and I thought, isn’t that exactly what they’re doing? I mean, yes, these people have the ability to fund such extravagance, but at an infinitesimal point in their mind, wouldn’t they at least stop for a second to consider the waste? From powder, to a view of beautiful explosion, to smoke.
No matter how beautiful the fireworks are, they would eventually become transparent, would eventually be engulfed by the atmosphere as if they were never there.
But despite how momentary they are, what actually matters is the purpose of their having been invented in the first place: to conquer a fraction of the sky, to own it with their brilliance.
To uplift people from the darkness they’re within.
That’s how I felt as I took in the view of those fireworks, like thousand luminescent stars twinkling in harmony. That moment, as I watched them work their way into the atmosphere, I was happy. It wasn’t an illusion of happiness; it was as if God really wanted me to see happiness that He siphoned all of them from me during those times of sadness and then conjured them into fireworks that very moment.
I thought about how many people were seeing the beauty that was being laid before our eyes, people who were also feeling the bliss that was exploding within me. And I realized that these fireworks were never going to waste, were never going to be as if they never were.
Those moments of seeing light were moments of seeing what 2010 really brought me.
I am the one making myself unhappy. Love, no matter how painful, will always win in the end. Expecting is normal; expecting too much isn’t. It depends on our acceptance of the truth.
I don’t believe in mistakes. Never have. I believe that there are a multitude of paths before us and it’s just a matter of which way we walk home. I don’t believe in regret. If you regret things about your life, then I’ll bet you’re not paying attention. Regret is just imagining that you know what could have happened if you took that job in California or married your high school sweetheart or just looked one more time before you stepped out into the street…or didn’t. But you don’t know; you can’t possibly know. I could have spent a lot of time thinking about what would have happened if I hadn’t seen Justin Wheeler toddling into the street that day. And I did spend a little time thinking about that—but not much. You could drive yourself crazy thinking that way.
— Ridley Jones, Beautiful Lies by Lisa Unger
My 2010 without all its heartbreaks and sadness will never be 2010. As I see it now, I am happy that everything has happened the way it did.2011? I will nail it with improvement, unwavering awesomeness, conviction, hope and love.
P.S. Happy New Year!