Stuff That Go To The Drain, But.

I have been ransacking my documents for something to post here, because my posts are getting scantier and scantier by the moment due to these toxic times. I couldn’t even read, unless if you count the innumerable pages of readings always waiting for me even though I am as tardy as hell to arrive there. (Welcome to the life of a pre-Dentistry proper little woman.) Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything to post that is in sync with me at the moment. So as a solution, here is an impromptu post!

  • How’s it going? Happily, I am feeling well lately, and especially content! Now that I am in this state of being, I can see the trail I’ve left behind festering with an unhappy mixture of remorse and sadness. It’s kind of depressing to learn that I have been doling out some big chunks of my life only to feed the monsters of my past. But, screw them, I figured. Either I wallow in despair or rise to the surface and encounter the graces of life that are, unfortunately, constantly being overlooked.
  • Yay for you! Speaking hasn’t always been my kind of thing. (I’m not saying it’s my thing now.) I mean, yeah sure, I’m talkative (most of the time) but my tongue ties itself at the prospect of speaking to anything greater than the internet, e.g., public speaking. Come on, that’s one of the reasons why I love writing. Nevertheless, I am managing to speak up to the world via little recitations in class and other stuff. Before, I hated the lamplight whenever it was trained on me, but what made me change? Mostly, it’s that I want to be like Hermione Granger. (No kidding.) But above anything else, I think, I hope, it’s confidence.
  • But? But, there’s always a huge “but”. Yes, although I presently seem well, there is still a “but” shadowing my every move. But, I am disappointed at myself for flunking some quizzes. But, sometimes I feel I am not enough. But, I wish I could turn back time. But, I don’t understand why I’m spacing out from that one person whom I used to want to be close to all the time. But, I think I’m neurotic. But, but, but. But, everything will get better – if I do something about it. I can’t just sit around and mope and wait for things to get better; I have to be in action! Challenge accepted.
  • Glad or mad? Setting all the ramblings I have rambled aside, I am glad to have stayed in Dentistry. (Not to mention that this semester is giving me a taste of being a Lit student, but anyways.) Maybe contentment is the foundation upon which happiness is to be built upon, or maybe it’s just an excuse to cover the scars of What If’s. Whichever the answer is though, I can feel myself settling for a life that I have half-anticipated to come. The path to the future is skewed at the most inappropriate places, but I am happy to be traversing it.

Right now, I feel real. As real as the sun hanging from the sky by day and sleeping by the stars at night, as real as a child enjoying the sweetness dribbling down an ice cream cone, as real as a man sleeping to wake up to eternity.

But…

What is real? by Margery Williams

What is real?
Asked the rabbit one day
When they were lying
side by side
 
Does it mean having things that buzz inside you
and a stick-out handle
Real isn’t how you’re made
said the Skin Horse
 
It’s a thing that happens to you
When a child loves you for a long long time
not just to play with, but Really loves you,
then you become real
 
Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit
Sometimes said the Skin Horse for he was
always truthful
 
When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.
Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,
or bit by bit.
 
It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes
a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen
to people who break easily, or have sharp edges
or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time
you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off
and your eyes drop out and you get loose at the joints
and very shabby.
But these things don’t matter at all because once you
are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people
who don’t understand.
 
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