Impasse

I’m still groping in the dark. Often, I have no idea what to do. Some days are alright. Still, most days pass by when nothing seems to make any sense. It’s such an awful feeling—losing track of everything. You feel so empty, so stagnant. I’d trade it for anger, madness, for anything that is in motion. Even the things I love doing, like reading, writing, or watching, exude such a lifeless appeal to me at the present that it’s maddening. The emptiness is maddening.

Time and time again, I remind myself why this is happening and why I have to endure it. Things have changed. It’s time to go with it now, to accept it. Change was water pressing against the dam, fighting to be free. I was the dam, and I didn’t budge; my gates were stubbornly closed. Eventually, Change found another way out: it went beyond the maximum level, and spilled. My rivers raged, my oceans swelled. Things have changed.

It’s one thing to utter words, and another thing to fulfill them. I say: “I’m going to wake up early to jog!” But I wake up and it’s lunch time. I say: “I’m going to finish reading these books!” But I curl up in bed and fall asleep. I feel so unproductive because I have this huge mountain of things I want to do—believe me, I really want to do these—but at the end of the day, I’m nestled in my room, a little bird still afraid to fly. I want to write so much, yet I remain with a bunch of empty notebooks.

To tell you the truth, reader, I have lost motivation. The motivation to get the hell out of my bed and face life. This break is one big chunk of stagnancy and I’m beginning to dislike it. I’m not proud of it. I’m turning 17, and here I am, unwilling to get up and see what lies ahead of me. I told a friend: “It’s time to let go of the illusion of permanence.” Again, the Say-Do Dichotomy rears its head. But, I guess, it really is hard to let go. I’m stuck at this point.

Kripke: You alwight there, Cooper?

Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.

Kripke: Are you saying you’re stuck?

—     The Big Bang Theory 2×13 “The Friendship Algorithm”

(Alright, I just placed that here for comic relief, and also for I love Sheldon, even though I don’t understand what on earth he’s saying there anymore.)

I’m stuck, because I don’t want to move on but I don’t think I want to go back either. Thus the feeling of stagnancy, and by causality, the lack of motivation. This is, of course, self-imposed.

To put this all simply: I am still reeling from the loss of something so good, something so wonderful.

“I try not to remember the life that I didn’t want to lose but lost and have to remember…”

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

My humorous, mildly attractive, non-biological brother, Jose Villacarlos told me: “At least this time you have yourself for yourself. Time to think more for your sake.”

I think it’s really beautiful, having myself for myself. Not in a narcissistic way, of course. (Okay, just slightly, yes.) This time, I have myself to explore, to learn about, to improve on. There’s still a long way to go, and Change is going to be there every step of the way. Might as well establish a great affair with Change itself.

In the words of my great friends, it will all get better—slowly, but surely.

I don’t know what’s at the end of the metamorphosis, but the process is boring and spectacular at the same time.

I’m thinking about getting run over by a truck called Life.

Meanwhile, I’ll concentrate on hauling my lazy ass out of my room and into the big world. Life is not waiting for me. I am the one waiting for myself.

Now, get up and do something.

P.S. The string of adjectives describing Jose Villacarlos came from him, but I liked it instantly so I employed it (albeit the fact that I’m having trouble with the “mildly attractive” part—kidding!). He’s a great, great guy, and I’m entirely grateful for his existence.
 
P.S.S. I still haven’t read Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. I only stumbled upon this quote (upon a lot of beautiful quotes off the book, actually) in Tumblr. This has been wishlisted for ages already! I always end up losing the funds to buy it. *sigh*
 
P.S.S.S. All pictures are from Tumblr (except the one with a portion of my head, because obviously)—for I spend a lot of time there now, reblogging the time away. I’m on my way to getting a life, alright!
 
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