Sometimes, you just want the emotions to unentangle themselves from all the work that needs to be done. That kind wherein you just want to stop feeling in order to get to focus on the more pressing matters. But the thing about these emotions is that they have a tendency to rear their heads out when you’re most stressed out and have a mountain of things to do.
Why, brain, why.
Because of this, I thought—a lot—in the midst of killer exams and manual labor in college. One of these was a crippling realization:
I am afraid of making emotional investments.
Okay, look. Who isn’t? What I mean is, it’s the kind of fear that equates the establishment of relationships to jumping off a cliff. That it may well be a fall from there.
Truth be told, it’s safer to stay detached. Saves you some pain, but you’ll honestly miss so much in life.
I’m terrified of investing very much, because I’ve been there before. The more I attach myself to it, the more it will ache to let go of it when it’s time to do so. Maybe that’s really what I fear: of losing the people I love. Again.
A professor often said in our class: “Once is a mistake. Twice is a tragedy.” (And yes, I’ve already quoted this in a different entry.)
And my past has had its share of tragedies. But it’s not just that.
I’m afraid of hurting people. It feels so selfish to do so especially when you have a choice. When you could just choose the truth and say it before all things come worse. When you could just choose to put down some other thing in order to preserve it. When you could just think outside of your pain.
I honestly don’t want to go through that again.
Which brings us back to the realization that hit me like an apple falling from a tree: I am afraid of making emotional investments.
It’s not that the people in the past weren’t worth it; it’s that I didn’t know better. I wish I did, because those people deserve better. I deeply regret that things had to wash up on the shore from the wreckage of all the memories.
But I’m with good people; people who are here to teach me to step outside of my shoes. One of the main reasons why my social relationships didn’t work in the past is—
drum roll, please—
Of course it is human nature, but that’s not an excuse for it to overtake one’s whole being. And it overtook mine.
This is my way of saying that I’m done with focusing on all my pains. Because I’m blessed. Because I’m not the only person who is having a hard time. Because it takes guts to be selfless. Because love won’t work if you love only yourself.
This is also my way of saying that I’m putting my feet back into the water. That despite my fear, I can and will invest my heart in people.
Thank God for my friends.
In other news, I have already invested my heart in Benedict Cumberbatch. Just so you know, world. ❤