I have been away from school for three days now and it has been doing the kind job of letting my anger, anxieties, frustrations and whatnot subside, like waves breaking over a rock.
Tomorrow I still have the day off because it is a holiday, and I am really, really grateful for that.
Things are still as messy and tangled as they have been for months now, but I know that everything will be better. Tomorrow will be kinder. The days will be brighter.
I was supposed to write about the wedding I attended last Saturday but I lost the motivation when all my files got deleted after I restored my laptop to its previous status quo; in other words, before it got updated last Friday in the early hours of the morning, while I laid my weary head on the comfort of my pillow and slept―a mere few hours away from the clutches of a practical exam and a written one.
Being away from school has allowed me to step back and look at the bigger picture: the trials will resolve, too. Maybe not immediately. It will take time; gradually. Rome was not built in a day.
But I am sure of one thing: I will be leaving.
I have learned far too much about things I never thought I’d know, such that it has robbed me of my innocence. Perhaps I have been far too idealistic. I have thought that being in a University that strives for greatness, everybody I will ever encounter is great by default. I have forgotten that people have other sides, too. I can no longer look at certain people (or a certain person) with untainted, believing eyes. There will be no peace for those who are not innocent, and I am one of them. I have been changed in ways irreversible.
There was a day―was it last Thursday?―when an inexplicable sadness came over me, not because of my predicament but because I have set myself on leaving, no matter what. It was a startling sadness, because I want to leave but there are things, people, memories I don’t want to leave behind. And Dentistry, though not for me (I know that now), I will miss. The challenge. The difficulty. The seemingly endless journey. The surprising, happy-for-no-reason kind of days.
As if emphasizing on the fact that I have plans on starting over, a blank slate again, all my files got deleted. The documents I have written from 2010 onwards, the pictures I have taken, and sundries. Memories. Stories. Everything, from when I was a freshwoman.
Thankfully, one of my favorite people in the world gave me helpful advice:
According to a writer who frequently ruffles his hair on video blogs,
“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”
I have a choice. I’m taking it.
P.S. My Tumblr is alive, and hopefully more #personal than before. 🙂
Where do deleted files go? Do their bits recede into oblivion just like that? Or are they just there like the wind―invisible but present? Why am I being existentialist for virtual things all of a sudden?