When Waves Break

I have been away from school for three days now and it has been doing the kind job of letting my anger, anxieties, frustrations and whatnot subside, like waves breaking over a rock.

Tomorrow I still have the day off because it is a holiday, and I am really, really grateful for that.

Things are still as messy and tangled as they have been for months now, but I know that everything will be better. Tomorrow will be kinder. The days will be brighter.

I was supposed to write about the wedding I attended last Saturday but I lost the motivation when all my files got deleted after I restored my laptop to its previous status quo; in other words, before it got updated last Friday in the early hours of the morning, while I laid my weary head on the comfort of my pillow and slept―a mere few hours away from the clutches of a practical exam and a written one.

Being away from school has allowed me to step back and look at the bigger picture: the trials will resolve, too. Maybe not immediately. It will take time; gradually. Rome was not built in a day.

But I am sure of one thing: I will be leaving.

I have learned far too much about things I never thought I’d know, such that it has robbed me of my innocence. Perhaps I have been far too idealistic. I have thought that being in a University that strives for greatness, everybody I will ever encounter is great by default. I have forgotten that people have other sides, too. I can no longer look at certain people (or a certain person) with untainted, believing eyes. There will be no peace for those who are not innocent, and I am one of them. I have been changed in ways irreversible.

There was a day―was it last Thursday?―when an inexplicable sadness came over me, not because of my predicament but because I have set myself on leaving, no matter what. It was a startling sadness, because I want to leave but there are things, people, memories I don’t want to leave behind. And Dentistry, though not for me (I know that now), I will miss. The challenge. The difficulty. The seemingly endless journey. The surprising, happy-for-no-reason kind of days.

As if emphasizing on the fact that I have plans on starting over, a blank slate again, all my files got deleted. The documents I have written from 2010 onwards, the pictures I have taken, and sundries. Memories. Stories. Everything, from when I was a freshwoman.

Thankfully, one of my favorite people in the world gave me helpful advice:

create more

According to a writer who frequently ruffles his hair on video blogs,

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”

John Green

I have a choice. I’m taking it.

P.S. My Tumblr is alive, and hopefully more #personal than before. 🙂

Where do deleted files go? Do their bits recede into oblivion just like that? Or are they just there like the wind―invisible but present? Why am I being existentialist for virtual things all of a sudden?


4 thoughts on “When Waves Break”

  1. Alam ko nakakapagod hindi lang physically pati mentally and emotionally din. Leaving is such a big decision, sana pagisipan mo nang mabuti. Someone shared this to me at sana makatulong din sayo… “Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.” 🙂

    1. Thank you, Ate K. 🙂 I’ll keep that in mind. Pero tingin ko it’s about time I do leave. I have been meaning to. And no matter the consequence, it’s okay with me. 🙂
      But I will miss you! ❤

    1. Hello. Thank you so much. 🙂 You are an inspiration, and it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest when I found your blog. I think many are scared to leave because they think they have no choice, kind of like it traps them (because of the fees, the years dedicated to it, etc), but there is always a choice. And I took mine. It isn’t easy, but I’m happy with it. 🙂

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