Paperweight

This year is the year of the paperweight: book open, the story of my life is held on a specific page. And I am going through the scenes little by little. Everything is suspended, on hold at the moment. I find I am not used to being still. (I am often lying on my bed, but that’s a different kind of being still.) I am not used to not studying, to not having a work load. Although it is relatively easy to adjust to this kind of lifestyle (temporarily-out-of-school youth, I call myself), it also comes with a sense of emptiness that only learning can fill. Or maybe my body misses the adrenaline and other stress hormones? These days the only stress I get is when my siblings are being a pain or if my female dog is suddenly found by an eager, pheromone-alerted male dog (it happened once and it was a nightmare because everybody wanted to get my dog pregnant, and I wasn’t ready for it can’t they understand). I do miss school and my friends. So after years of flipping pages without the need for a paperweight, this time I halt to take a break from reading. Although it is not enough to make me want to close the book. Thus the weight instead of a bookmark.

My resolutions/goals this 2014 are (as written on my first ever Starbucks planner, yay):

  • Be positive.
  • Be productive.
  • Wake up early.
  • Learn to cook properly.
  • Finish a story.
  • Find joy in the little things.
  • Find my pre-med course.
  • Think less. Do more.
  • Help at home.
  • Have faith in God. Trust Him. He is always in control.
  • Love more.
  • Go out more.
  • Read 40 books. Push.
  • Be kind.
  • Save money.
  • Write more.
  • Travel.
  • Change―for the better.
  • Exercise regularly.
  • Watch your mood swings.

It’s quite a long list, but hey, already this year feels different. 🙂

This year, I hope to test my own limits and to have the courage to step out of my comfort zone. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do it, but I have an inkling that I should be more proactive with my social relationships. Yes, alright, I don’t go out often. And it’s no longer because my parents are strict: hello, I am 19 years old. That’s very much three years ago. I’ve realized I don’t go out often because I am too used to being at home. It’s more comfortable at home, and I like being alone, okay? I’m not sure if it’s the lack of live interactions with friends since I’m out of school but I feel like I’m folding in on myself, like I’m being seized by this gradual introversion. I’m also not sure if I should welcome it. Anyway, I’m going out more. Okay!

I hope to build my relationship with God, to completely put my faith, hope, and trust in Him. I’m too weak-hearted. I’ve been grappling with self-issues since time immemorial and I somehow never get over them because I believe I am lacking in something as fundamental as faith.

I also hope to reach my book goal this year. I have failed miserably for two straight years. Maybe 50 is too ambitious for me, or I really didn’t have that much time these past few years. I need to read, read, read.

This year, I strive to inspire people, although it is such a big word to say, let alone to do.

Ultimately, I just hope I will be able to change. 2014, please prove to be a worthy paperweight.

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2 thoughts on “Paperweight”

  1. Inspiring. I’m praying for you Sjer… 🙂
    and I miss studying too. I’m drowning myself to endless sleeps, like I can’t go any further. This post reminds me there’s still a life out there. With that I’m genuinely grateful.

    1. Klang! Thank you. Hey, don’t worry: life isn’t all about studying. We’ve just been in school for too long that we’re not used to life outside. Things will pick up soon. 🙂

      P.S. I am always here if you need someone to talk to ❤

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