Seven Cheers

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Seven years. It took me seven years to earn a college degree. That’s a full Hogwarts education right there. That’s as long as Carson’s college life and unrequited love for Dio in I’m Drunk, I Love You.

Still. It has been seven years of grace for me. True, it took me a long time compared to my classmates in high school—but, more than anything, these past seven years have been formative. I have learned to look at the bigger picture: that there is a world out there lacking sorely in justice and compassion, but this world is where my true calling lies. To help, to serve.

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Prayer

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I don’t know how to write anymore. I don’t know how to put into words the all-encompassing jungle of emotions in my head. All I know is that I feel; I feel so much it’s overwhelming. I have lost my way with words. I do not know now how to push through with my thoughts, vanishing already in vapor trails as I type these words.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been going through a difficult time with myself. This inner turmoil has been brewing since last year, and like a tea bag with aromatic dried leaves, I have been steeped in way too long in scalding water.

Everything is out of focus. There are days when I no longer remember what it is I have been aiming for in the first place. Where am I going? I always ask myself. It’s so hard to think through the fear in my throat and the helplessness in my veins. I have lived so long, so long, in this pale blue dot in the universe, but what for? Suddenly, I feel so ancient with my 21 years.

Writing this is my way of reminding myself why I am here, and what it is I stand for. Like Arya Stark and her prayer strung with names, I will say these things to myself to never forget.

I am Sjerlive Clare Dioneda.

I am on my way.

I am becoming.

Neither Created Nor Destroyed

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What’s comforting about the law of conservation of matter is that all that have ever been never really leave us. They will just change into a different state, into a new combination of atoms and molecules: the new thus born from the old.

And it’s not just about having some part of the oldest stars within us.

It’s about knowing that we are still under the same sky, no matter what form we are in. It comforts me to know that your atoms are still part of this world, that you are still here—ready to become something new in time. And someday I will change, too. My atoms then will be ready to join you in the flux.

Until we meet again, Papa. All my love and longing.

For Papa

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This is for you, Papa, for when you chose Mama to spend the rest of your life with, no matter how early or how sudden it was for both of you.

This is for you, Papa, for when you chose to leave the warmth and comfort of your home and work abroad, in order to provide for our family.

This is for you, Papa, for when you braved the loneliness in foreign lands yet you worked so hard you impressed so many people.

This is for you, Papa, for when you saw me for the first time—your first and unexpected grandchild—and you called me your angel.

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Novus

Albeit being the shortest month of the year, February is surprising in its capacity to hold so many experiences in such a limited amount of time.

It’s so rare for me, a notorious homebody, to be outdoors experiencing things. I’ve been really stressed this February for a lot of reasons (e.g., pulling my grades up so that I can still get a full scholarship next semester, and generally trying to survive the Biology life—which isn’t rainbows and butterflies, I tell you). On top of that, I’ve been engaged in a string of sleepless nights, which was really terrible. The fatigue really hollowed me.

Beyond all the academic humdrum, however, life is unfolding. 21-year old me is very happy, and tired in a good way.

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You are here.

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My maxim for 2016 is this:

Go for the things that matter.

May this 2016 be filled with adventures, with new experiences and lasting memories. I want 2016 to be spent with the people who mean the universe to me, to be spent doing relevant things. I want to be able to transcend this superficial society and its standards. I want 2016 to be the year I find myself and appreciate my own person. I want kindness and love; I want to continue becoming.

This year, I hope not to let the exhaustion cripple me. I hope to finally learn how to manage my time wisely and efficiently—enough for rest, work and play.

I want to take better pictures and write more, to be healthier and actually do something proactive about it.

For more sunrises and sunsets.

Cosmos, I will do my best to be good.