Neither Created Nor Destroyed

cheevy31

What’s comforting about the law of conservation of matter is that all that have ever been never really leave us. They will just change into a different state, into a new combination of atoms and molecules: the new thus born from the old.

And it’s not just about having some part of the oldest stars within us.

It’s about knowing that we are still under the same sky, no matter what form we are in. It comforts me to know that your atoms are still part of this world, that you are still here—ready to become something new in time. And someday I will change, too. My atoms then will be ready to join you in the flux.

Until we meet again, Papa. All my love and longing.

Impasse

I’m still groping in the dark. Often, I have no idea what to do. Some days are alright. Still, most days pass by when nothing seems to make any sense. It’s such an awful feeling—losing track of everything. You feel so empty, so stagnant. I’d trade it for anger, madness, for anything that is in motion. Even the things I love doing, like reading, writing, or watching, exude such a lifeless appeal to me at the present that it’s maddening. The emptiness is maddening.

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Unceasing

Although I have not been close to this person, his quiet presence has always pulsated despite the chaos of our block. He was the subtlest of the five guys of 15 (the name of our block), but without him, our men were very much incomplete. And they are very much  that way right now; so are we.

It drives us entirely sad that we were not able to be by your side; we are sorry that we haven’t been thorough companions.

But I am not going to regret saying this now, of all times: we will always be here for you, wherever you soar to now. With quenched fires in our hearts, we bid you goodbye; and, with the deepest hope our beings could unearth, we believe that you shall be happy there.

Reunion with the block someday! We will see you, Kerby Salengua.

“Blockmates, we maybe from different religious denominations, but tonight, I hope that we will all join in prayer for Kerby’s soul… Let’s all be Kerby’s angels. :)” – Eris Navarro

With unceasing love,
Block 15 batch 2016

Day 3: Tenancy

Prologue; out of sheer unretentiveness, I left Kea’s copy of To Kill a Mockingbird in the chapel this last night of the Simbang Gabi. Just when I started reading again, I lost what I wanted to read. Sorry for that, Koo! If I won’t be able to retrieve it tomorrow night, Christmas Midnight Mass, I’d just get you another copy. And, and, and I will be working on my epic fail memory—it is officially in my resolutions. Sorry, friend!

Four things comprise my 3rd day of Soul Searching.

One: my Mom telling me about how she misses Dad’s sweet nothings (but it’s not like he isn’t sweet; he can practically give me and Mom the “sissy feeling” whenever he unleashes his cheesiness). I don’t really understand why this stood out among today’s jar of memories. Maybe because it is about change, ever-flowing change, and how we can adapt to it, no matter what level of difficulty is present.

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To an October 28

I currently reside somewhere here in the chaotic peacefulness of Metro Manila. In this metropolis, environmental problems plague a large portion of my outdoor life. Malls blossom like mushrooms, and within their walls and glasses, I seek only what can make malls appealing to me: Books. (Food is another story.)

Confined in a box filled with secondhand books that would hurt wallets as much as injected anesthesia would hurt the flesh, my eyes automatically search for a name that by merely being read can send me staggering towards the counter at the speed of light, unable to wait any longer than a few short breaths to tear open the paperback cover, feast on poetic words and drown in fictionlust.

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