I don’t know how to write anymore. I don’t know how to put into words the all-encompassing jungle of emotions in my head. All I know is that I feel; I feel so much it’s overwhelming. I have lost my way with words. I do not know now how to push through with my thoughts, vanishing already in vapor trails as I type these words.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been going through a difficult time with myself. This inner turmoil has been brewing since last year, and like a tea bag with aromatic dried leaves, I have been steeped in way too long in scalding water.
Everything is out of focus. There are days when I no longer remember what it is I have been aiming for in the first place. Where am I going? I always ask myself. It’s so hard to think through the fear in my throat and the helplessness in my veins. I have lived so long, so long, in this pale blue dot in the universe, but what for? Suddenly, I feel so ancient with my 21 years.
Writing this is my way of reminding myself why I am here, and what it is I stand for. Like Arya Stark and her prayer strung with names, I will say these things to myself to never forget.
I am Sjerlive Clare Dioneda.
I am on my way.
I am becoming.